Why did I decide to take a year off from dating? Because I never have before.
Boys arrived in my life at a VERY young age, and I quickly became addicted to them.
I was addicted to the attention I received, the way I suddenly felt I had value, and even the way they hurt me.
As a child, I was extremely shy. Like so shy it’s painful to think about. So when I was 14, and had a 21 year old suddenly take an interest in me, I was thrust into a whole new world of sex, drugs and lies.
Bogged down with insecurities, it was the perfect recipe for codependency, also known as relationship addiction. It’s an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, and is becoming rapidly more common.
The way this played out was by being in one relationship after another. And if I wasn’t in an actual relationship, I always had people on the side to call for attention, affection, or sex.
There’s a saying “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Well let’s just say I made that my life’s mantra.
So every time a relationship would end, I’d be completely devastated. And instead of sitting with my pain, and giving myself space to heal, I’d fill that space with anything or anyone, to essentially numb out and forget, rather than feeling.
So each new relationship I entered into, came with baggage that hadn’t been released from the last one. I never truly gave myself the time or space I needed to heal, or integrate the lessons.
24 years later, and I’m in a completely different space…physically, spiritually and emotionally. My desires have changed. My relationship to my body has changed. And what I require in connection with another has dramatically changed.
July 2nd marks 7 months since the abrupt ending of my most recent relationship. This was one of the most significant relationships of my life, in a lot of ways, and it’s still taking time to release from my psyche and body.
And as my birthday is 7/7, and 7’s have always been significant for me, this 7 month anniversary of ending that relationship, in the 7th month of the year, feels very significant.
The way I’ve approached this breakup has been different than ever before. As gut-wrenching as it’s been, I’ve chosen to take every lesson I can from it, and consciously grow from the experience.
Part of the healing process has been forgiveness of self. It’s been owning up to my role in all of my relationships, honoring who I was at that time, and forgiving myself for not knowing, or being better. Owning our part is essential to the forgiveness process, as difficult as it can be. There’s always two people involved.
Another part of my process has been seeing how much of my worth and value I placed in the hands of another. Seeing how devastating it’s been when I haven’t felt valued by someone else, and when I’ve felt I had to prove myself to them. That’s been hard to digest for sure.
And finally, seeing how much of my worth has been based around my body, and what I have to offer someone sexually. And I’m choosing to end that cycle of abuse from others, and most importantly, self-abuse.
I’m taking this year off of men, to sit in silence with myself. Who knows, it might even go longer.
I now know the person I want to be, and where I want to be in my life, the next time I enter into a relationship. And I’m not quite there yet, and that’s okay!
I’m spending more time alone than ever before, and in turn…I’m actually falling in love…with ME. And not just falling in love with myself, but actually liking myself too. That’s a biggie.
I’m seeing how fun I am, how silly I am, how sensual, giving, loving I am. I’m truly seeing what it is I have to bring to the table, and I’m no longer willing to compromise on what I require in a partnership.
I’m truly learning who I am without another. I’m tapping into my intuition more than ever before, because I’ve drowned out the noise, and outside energies. Not only am I spending most of my time alone, but in a lot of silence.
I’m discovering my voice, and who I am. I’m finding out what I really like and don’t like. I’m seeing what values are most important for me, and I’m committed to myself in all ways.
I don’t numb out the pain, or the heartache, or the yearning. I choose to take it as my dance partner. And when our dance is done, the light returns, shining brighter than ever before.
People keep asking me if the strong urges arise, for sex or a relationship. And to be honest, not that much. And that’s totally different for me!! It’s completely unfamiliar territory.
Of course holidays and weekends can be the hardest, (or when I’m ovulating! haha), when it’s natural to crave affection, but I move through it, and sit in gratitude for what I do have in my life…which is a crazy amazing support system.
I’ve mastered orgasmic manifestation. It’s a thing…look it up 😉 I get to choose what turns me and makes me tick. I get to dress up in the middle of the day, at home alone…just because it makes me feel good.
I’ve developed this beautiful outlook on how I view my body as this sacred temple. And I have no desire to give it over to someone that doesn’t also respect, and view me as such.
I’m spending time in online conscious women’s groups, so I can learn from my past, and find out how to make different choices in the future, in relationship.
I know a lot of people go this length of time without someone in their life, but for me this is massive. This is me stepping into the next level version of myself, and the way she would act and treat herself. And I’m doing that now.
This has nothing to do with bashing the masculine. It’s quite the opposite. By staying away from men, I’m actually learning more about them than ever before, and I’m understanding why men are the way they are. And I’m seeing that there are conscious men out there!
I have no idea what this next 5 months has in store for me in the relationship department, and I’m good with that. For now I’m focused on me, my healing, and building my business.
The one-year mark in December will also be my daughter’s birthday, so I plan on celebrating my rebirthing!
Being alone isn’t something our culture embraces, and yet when it’s done with purpose and intention, it can be the most magical, enlightening, and awakening journey of your life!
Don’t wait on someone else to be happy. Be happy now, and that someone else will show up when you’re whole, complete and fulfilled within yourself. I thought I was at that place before, and now I see I still had a long way to go. Now I’m getting it 😉 Keep loving yourself, ALWAYS!